Why loneliness isn't actually loneliness

"you're feeling lonely because you have no one else around you and you're probably wishing you had your family or friends back home? But God draws people out and strands them, which leads to us relying on him when we have no one else. It's basic. Maybe when you feel lonely you should get into the word. You've been saying you haven't made time for it. Maybe that's an opening"

The reason that previous statement is in quotes is because it's not my words. They're God's words, God's words given to me by one of the biggest blessings in my life. (Side note, I suggest everyone find a best friend who will encourage you in your faith and share such wise thoughts with you.) Words that are so profound, yet she makes seem so simple. It's so obvious, but why did I never think of that on my own? I don't know why, but I'm beyond grateful that she did bring this to my attention. I was wallowing in self-pity up until this point. Of all the advice I have been given over the past few months, this may be the most influential, the one that will stick with me the most. It hit one of my biggest struggles right on the head. (Shoutout to you for being the real MVP). 

God didn't abandon me, He didn't leave me out to dry, He didn't drop me into the middle of no where and say good luck. He did quite the opposite. He longs for time with me, He longs for time with all of us. But sometimes, we don't let Him have it. God doesn't need us, He wants us. He wants our thoughts and our prayers, our troubles, our joys, our triumphs and our grief. He wants it all. But how often do we offer it to Him? I know I don't offer it far enough. For the first two weeks of my time here, I spent less time with God than I did all summer. Which is ironic, in the worst way. I was using my "missionariness" as an excuse to dodge what God had to tell me. After two weeks of this, God was ready to have me back. So how did he do it? He let me feel lonely. He allowed me feel like I had no one there for me, that without my friends or family, I was alone. I don't think He wants me to hurt or to be in pain, but I needed a wake up call, something to draw me back to Him. 

Our flesh tells us loneliness is because we have no one who wants us, but God uses it to tell us that He adores spending time with us. Our self-centered-ness tells us that it's us not having someone who cares about us but God tells us it's Him being madly in love with us. Our minds tell us that our loneliness is us being pushed away from everyone, but God uses it to push in the direction of our Creator. Loneliness does not mean we are alone. Loneliness means there is someone there who misses us, who wants us, but we are denying time with Him. 

As much as I try to convince myself that I am actually lonely, I can't deny the truth that my loneliness isn't loneliness. It's the Holy Spirit in me telling me to stop denying and start running. Start running to Him, to the One who takes away all loneliness and pain and heartache. Stop avoiding and start confronting. Confront yourself about it, take it to God. I speak from recent personal experience when I say that the loneliness will be no more the minute we get into the word. It's a lot harder to be lonely when you're not actually alone, and now I realize that I'm never actually alone. I can try to tell myself that I am, but He's there, waiting. Waiting to give a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a lotta love and attention to give us. 

How thankful am I for the loneliness I felt and the wise words of a loving friend. God has used both these things in ways that my mind will never be able to comprehend. 

A picture is worth a thousand words....

When I titled this "a picture is worth a thousand words", I meant it. I really have nothing to say, but today we went on a another, different hike, and it was so incredible I just had to share these pictures. That is all.

Woah

Thursday

It's 10:30 am and I am already maxed out on information consumption. We got up and were at the school early this morning. I got to talk to the director and meet some of the other staff and some of the kids. We walked around there for a while and then Vic (the father of the family I am living with) sent me and Chase (13 year old girl in the family) to the market to grab some things. Chase made me ask where everything was, so I guess that counts as my spanish lesson of the day. Later some of Micah's friends (17 year old girl) came over to play volleyball in the front yard and make pizza for dinner. Although I had no idea what they were saying, it was fun being able to hang out with some other girls my age.

Friday

Today we went to the North Coast where Kids Alive has another school location. This is also where most of the tourism is located so after visiting the village and school we were able to check out the beach! We came back late afternoon and were able to just chill out until dinner. Tomorrow we are planning to go on a waterfall hike in the morning. 

So far everything has been extremely overwhelming and exhausting but it's all in a good way! I love it and I can't wait to start to get into more of routine next week. It's a lot to take in in just a couple days but any type of adjustment like this needs some time. I am faithful that everything will get more normal as time goes on. 

T'was the night before the departure...

My Dash

In less than 12 hours I will be on a plane to an unknown place, to live with an unknown family, and do something that is completely unknown to me. I should be scared out of my mind, but I'm not. I'm not because God did some epic things in my heart this week that have made me psyched to get to the DR. 

Sunday morning I had the opportunity to attend Athens Church, which is a plant of North Point Church. They stream Andy Stanley's message from his home North Point Church. The story that Andy talked about came from Mathew 4. It was about Simon Peter dropping everything and following Jesus. Now one could say that this is what we are suppose to do, we are suppose to give up all we have and follow this Jesus guy, even if we have no idea what we are doing. But that's not the whole story. A more detailed account of this story is found in Luke 5. Here it tells us that Jesus had asked Peter if he could use his boat, Peter agreed, probably reluctantly considering he had no idea who this guy was. At this point Peter refers to Christ as "Master", a common, unspecific name for a teacher. After teaching for a period of time, Jesus asks Peter to take him out and to cast his nets into the water. Peter is again reluctant saying that they had already tried and there was nothing. But, then he says, "But because you say so, I will let down the nets". Most of you know the rest of the story. They go to the boat, they catch a ridiculous amount of fish, and it isn't until then and Peter begins to refer to Jesus as "Lord" and makes the decision to follow him. Andy's point in all this was, following begins with information. It begins with listening and learning who God is. We aren't called to a blind faith. We aren't called to go serve a God we know nothing about. We are called to know God, to first trust him, to begin to call him Lord instead of Master. We are also called to do something God's way. Even if we are fisherman and may have cast out our nets a million times, we are called to do it one time HIS WAY, and to see what happens. So this is me casting out my nets GOD'S WAY. I trust him, I let him in my boat and now I'm doing what he has asked of me. I am not going into a foreign country with a blind faith, but rather a knowledgeable faith on the One I serve. 

This was an awesome morning that really made everything click for me. But, God wasn't done with it yet, for he had far more in store. 

Sunday night I was back home and me and my brother went to our church, Passion City Church. Church twice in one day? Yeah, it didn't sound too great to me either especially when I still have not started packing yet. But I went and now I know why. Pastor Louie started a new series called "A matter of life and death", this was kind of the opening overview message. Here's a synopsis of what he said. When we die, we all have a tombstone. We all have a name, a birthdate, and a deathdate engraved on this tombstone. But, the dash between our birth and death dates is the most significant, yet least noticed part of the engravings. A dash is such an underrated symbol for everything we did in the years between our birth and death, but it's all we get. We all get one dash, and none of us know how long that dash will be. Knowing this fact, as Christians, we can't take advantage of any day. We can't let anything hold us back from living the life we want to live while sharing the Gospel. We have to be confident and undying in this pursuit of sharing the Goodnews. 

This rocked me. In a totally good way. It was like God was yelling at me saying "yes! yes Neilly, yes! what you are doing is right and good! Do not waste another day!" I don't know how long my dash is, God does, but that's for Him to worry about and not me. My job is fill my dash with as much Kingdomwork as I can. My job is to not let an piece of this dash slip by me wasted. 

So my work in the DR isn't for college or job applications, it's not to get a great tan, or to take a break from school. It's to do something God's way instead of my way, and through that, to fulfill my one dash that I'm given. And because of that, I can sit here, hours before I leave (still not packed), and have not one ounce of fear or doubt in my body. To be full of joy and confidence and excitement knowing that I can further and kingdom and my dash will not be wasted. 

Ready? Set? Go.

I returned from Canada 2 weeks ago. Now if  anyone knows me, they know very well that I am not one to spend 2 weeks packing. More likely I will spend 2 hours packing the night before I leave. This being said, it is obvious that I have had basically nothing to do for the past 2 weeks. My friends are at college, my mom teaches, my brother goes to school and football all day and my school has school. At first, being home by myself and watching Netflix for 20 hours a day was exactly what I wanted to be doing. But then I finished Prison Break, and I had nothing to do with my life. Luckily I have been able to drive to Athens and Clemson to visit some of my friends and I also went to the lake with my family over Labor Day weekend which also helped with the boredom. But then there were days that I was home, alone, with nothing to do. There were nights that I was sitting in my room looking at all the pictures of my friends at their sorority events. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that my friends are having a good time and I want to hear all about their new lives! But it is still hard to try and "be there" with my friends without actually "being there". The past 2 weeks have brought a lot of happy times with my family. It has brought a lot of sad but good goodbyes. It has made me realize that my relationships with my friends will change, but that its ok and in many cases they will only grow closer. It has brought a lot of loneliness. It has also brought a lot of time for me to get excited to go. It has made me just want to be there already! It has given a very positive and happy outlook on leaving. I have 4 more days in the States and I am psyched that in less than one week I will be in the midst of a new culture and new life. No goodbye gets any easier, but each one gets better. Pure excitement is all that fills my heart right now. I can't wait to share more about the DR.